Friday, October 1, 2021

 Hi Everyone,

Our nation is not where we hoped it would be by now. There is still a pandemic in motion, Congress is still bifurcated, relationships are being defined as those for Trump and those against, divisions are everywhere.

I don't know about you but I find this a tense and negative way to live. In fact, we are one country, one nation, one democracy, with one mission, to show the world democracy works and freedom is a plus no matter how you look at it.

We cannot change the world all at once. But I believe, we can change it one person at a time. Practice the kindness you want. Practice the patience, love, acceptance, humility, and generosity you want. We cannot do this any other way. Our culture has been changed. The world does not view us the same anymore. We don't view us the same anymore. We have to get back to our values, our cultural values of hospitality, manners, and respect.

America thrives on conflicting ideas, the belief in God (that is how America got started), and ingenuity. We have freedom. Without it who will you be? Without it what will our country be?

As a psychotherapist who has practiced systems theory with families since 1978 I can tell you that each of us must come back to and redefine the system of freedom and innovation we want to experience in this country. The arguments about whether you like this or that all has space in America. We can embrace it all. We can embrace everyone. That is what America is. It is a melting pot. Together we can create the best, the healthiest, the kindest and the wisest example for the world.

Next time you go out your front door, carry with you the blanket of peace and kindness. It really does help you have a wonderful day.



Friday, September 17, 2021



Stare at this picture for a while. I found it so fulfilling that I made it the cover for my book, Never Too Late. And don't we each need inspiration. Life has been like it never has in the last 1.5 years leading many of us astray from what fills us. We have become so busy keeping up with the news, struggling to manage working from home, working from offices and keeping safe, wrestling with children who are in school in their bedrooms or kitchens wondering what they are really doing while we sit at computers, keeping distance from friends and family. There is no mistake, this life has taken a strong toll on all of us. Many have our food delivered to avoid crowds and keep our bodies fed and functioning. Perhaps you bought a Peloton to exercise from home or take yoga on line as well. We struggle to use our minds and wisdom to think through all the controversial debates about masks and vaccines and social distancing. It is enough to make anyone feel nuts.

What about your soul? Do you have time for that too? Do you even realize how much your soul needs soul food during these tough times? There is no doubt that we are mind/body/soul and it is imperative that we manage all three. There will never be a full balance of these needs. Nevertheless, we must take 15 minutes out of our day, somewhere in our busy schedule to feel our souls.

Here is a list of ideas to feed the soul - they do not take a lot of time - I strongly encourage you do at least one a day:

- read a poem, read a passage from the Bible, pray, meditate, walk, stare into a flower and notice its    magnificence, write a poem, watch a funny movie, eat a ripe piece of fruit, read a page in your favorite book, sing your favorite song, listen to classical music -

As you can see, there are many things you can do at home if you still don't feel safe going out. Whatever you decide to do, ask yourself what you need and bring it into your day to help balance out the mind/body/soul triad. Doing things in the above list helps diminish the stress of these times that create PTSD and other stress and anxiety disorders.

Have a blessed day,



Thursday, September 16, 2021


I know that the last year and a half has been chaotic and frightening. Before I go on, study this photo, take a deep breath, and relax your nervous system.

One of the issues presented to me hour after hour in my psychotherapy practice was the fear of having additional anxiety added to our normal lives that COVID and its messiness brought to our lives. Let me say this about the appropriateness to the anxiety we have all felt. This anxiety has been a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Okay, read that again and then a third time.

My point: although the anxiety is unpleasant not feeling high anxiety to all COVID did to our lives, nations, and the world, would have been inappropriate. There is no way anyone could have gone through the last year and a half and not felt acute anxious. I don't care who you are.

Hopefully, that will ease your mind a little. Here is a list of things to help you assimilate and work through some of this anxiety:

1. Write about the elements in your anxiety such as fear of death, loss of job, loss of family, loss of personal control. This anxiety was riddled with fears about many things and still is.

2. Sit in nature and have some quiet time. I know being quiet is tough for many of you but it is imperative that you give your nervous system some relief from the craziness of it all.

3. Eat simple and calming foods: cooked veggies, rice, baked potatoes. No hot spicy foods, no heavy cheesy foods and yes Baked Ziti is my comfort food but I don't eat it when I need to help by body.

4. Drink water and lots of it.

5. Get a message or acupuncture.

6. Walk - keep your body moving. I recommend your walk be a stroll. This is not the time to push your stressed out body.

7.  Pray, meditate - get into your soul and be there -- simply be there.

Know that you are doing your best suffering through the unimaginable. Practice the above items on a daily basis and visualize a white light of hope. Our nation, and you in your own life, have gone through many challenges in the past. You and me and all of us will get through this too. But we will do it together. What one heart cannot handle alone, a million hearts can handle together.  



Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Choosing a Therapist

I do not know how many people are currently searching for a therapist, but being one, I know that the process is not easy, especially if you have never been in therapy before.

When prospective clients call me they want to know everything about me. Where did I go to school? What therapy do I practice? What is my experience? What clients do I like working with the best? The questions are endless.

These questions might be interesting to chat about at a cocktail party when two people are trying to get to know each other but if you are in pain in your life, knowing everything about me does not help you. What will help you to find the therapist who can help you is to ask them one question: Do you treat ______________ and then mention your situation.

In other words, the question would be something like this:

Do you treat gay men just coming out?
Do you treat couples suffering from infidelity?
Do you work with individuals needing to find more passion in life?
Do you work with clients grieving from the loss of a parent?

See how specific that is?

Clients ask me all the time whether I would be willing to work with them using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills. Well -- okay -- sure. But when I tell them I haven't seen them yet so I do not give treatment before the problem -- they get frustrated. Someone told them they need CBT and so that is what they want.

No mental or medical health practitioner should ever treat before a diagnosis. It makes no sense. How could I tell you that I like your soup, if I haven't tasted it?

So, my best tip for anyone looking for a therapist is: define your problem into one sentence and know what you want. For example,

I don't know how to communicate with my weed-smoking 16 year-old daughter. I want a therapist who can help me with a parent/teen problem around drugs and communication.

Sometimes screening a therapist can take many phone calls to many therapists but it will be worth it when you find someone who can work with your issue, no matter what school they went to.

Jan Marquart LCSW

Monday, March 18, 2019

New Relationships

Are you in the 'market' for a new relationship? Well you can't go and buy one like you do a blouse at your favorite store. Do you act as if that is what you are doing when you select someone to date? Most of us buy clothes with more discernment than we start a relationship. For instance, do you take the time to find out who he or she really is before you take off your clothes or spill out your entire life in one sitting? It isn't as easy as taking home that perfect blouse.

Relationships, contrary to the quick click computer life we seem to be living these days, takes time. Time! I understand that the beginning of a relationships can be anxiety provoking and make you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious and the eagerness to 'get started' can override slowing things down. Rushing can seem easier than allowing yourself to feel your emotions but you need these emotions. They are normal and may be important warning signs.

Slow down, take your time, ask the difficult questions, meet his or her friends/family. Learn how others interact with him/her and how she/he interacts with them. What kind of activities do you do with this person? Will this person do the activities you like too? Do you just 'hang out' when you really want to 'go out'?

If you are choosing a mate for the rest of your life, isn't the rest of your life worth a good slow start to making sure this is the right person? Find out how this person resolves problems or does he/she just ruminate on the problem then dump it in your lap? What happens when this person gets angry? Depressed? Anxious? How does this person handle money? Are they neat or a total slob not caring about her/his environment?

Relationships are complicated and complex. Take your time. Be authentic. Don't try to make yourself someone you are not. Are you willing to not be yourself at any price?

Before having sex make sure to ask if your new partner has any STDs. How often do they have unprotected sex. If they don't want you to use protection does that mean he/she is willing to become a parent?

Ask the difficult questions. Remember, one date can turn into a nightmare or a really great start to forever.



Sunday, March 17, 2019


How many times you have made yourself busy just to avoid being alone? How many times have you engaged in activities you didn't like because you feared facing a Saturday night without a date or social activity?

Do you understand what you are really afraid of? Do you understand what you would be feeling about yourself or what emotion would take over if you allowed yourself to sit by yourself? Being alone and sitting in solitude are not the same thing. In aloneness you feel the absence of another, in solitude you feel the presence of yourself.

These alone moments are important in order to develop self-understanding, wisdom, values, and interests that can take you deeper into activities. They teach personal strength and help you stretch your identity. These moments build the self. They encourage hobbies and new paths for your life.

I hear too many people afraid of themselves in alone moments. They get anxious or depressed. They can't sit still without having a panic attack. They say they don't like themselves yet they do nothing to learn how much they can like themselves if they spent time staying in touch with who they really are - not what they compare themselves to when they look into the world.

People want to feel better about themselves but do nothing to learn the process of how to do that. Sit in stillness. Pay attention to what makes you happy, what doesn't, what you would like to do and what you would like to stop doing. Feel the life inside you. Try something new. Develop some interests. Learn to like yourself and what you would like in your future, then -- go there.



Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Every Day

A as a psychotherapist, the work I do gets misunderstood all the time. People have commented to me about how they could never do the work I do. They ask me how I could listen to problems all day long. Coming from their perspective, I can understand why they have the opinion that they do.

I do not see my work as listening to problems for that is not what clients bring to my office. Are they suffering? Yes! Do they want to tell their narrative of their suffering? Yes! But what they truly bring to me despite all that talk of their pain is the hope and faith that there is a way to turn things around. I have had only a few clients in 40 years that just liked to complain. I quickly sent them to someone else. Listening to their gossip and becoming an accomplish in their victimhood is not my job.

Most people want to know how to live better. They want the suffering to stop. They want to enjoy the rising sun, feel loved, enjoy the food they eat, know they are worth taking care of.

Start every day with a poem and a prayer. Watch your self-talk. Write out what you want to think and do for yourself. Talk to the people in your life about what you want to change, not just what you don't like. Go from there!

Wishing you the light of the stars and the warmth of the sun.

Jan Marquart LCSW, Author