Monday, May 19, 2014

Don't Believe It!

In personal relationships women expect to be loved, cared for, and supported.But often they are not. Too many times women date or are married to men who tell them that their feelings don't count, that they don't know what they are talking about, that they have no right to an equal opinion. They get blamed and forced to see the men as the ones in the 'right' while they are in the 'wrong.'This treatment incites great personal harm to women. The situation can  feel hopeless especially if their are children involved. Women often state feeling powerless, frightened, and hopeless that things will ever change. But, there is help.

Every community has a safe house, mental health counselors and services to support women and their children. When women believe they are bad wives for not putting up with their husband's humiliation, belittlement, and judgments, they get mentally and often physically sick. Husbands who love their wives, who have healthy self-esteem, do not treat their wives in such manner.

When men tell women that the woman is responsible for how they feel, please do not believe it. Women might hear that they are responsible for their husbands having no friends, or his unhappiness, or the reason he lost a promotion. Instinctively women know there is a disconnect in this line of thinking, emotionally they buy it. I've worked with women who have chosen to drink, take the frustration out on their children, go on antidepressants, and even have a nervous breakdown rather than stand up to their abusive husbands. They don't see their husband's treatment as 'abuse' even though emotionally they are suffering. Instead, they take on the blame and shame and believe that if only they gave their husbands more sex, agreed with them more, cooked their favorite foods, or some other way of meeting his demands then matters will change. I promise you, it won't. Men like this constantly raise the ante so that no matter what women do they are always unhappy and women are always their emotional punching pillow.

If this is you, please get professional help. There is no shame in getting help. It takes courage and strength to reach out when someone is beating you down inside yourself. Don't let the men you love bully you into believing everything that is going wrong with their lives is your fault. It isn't.

Jan Marquart LCSW

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